The Carousel

Sometimes I sit in front of my computer, hands on the keyboard, thoughts racing through my mind.
I have to write.
A pressure builds in my chest, feeling like something is going to burst from deep within me, ripping apart the very essence of myself if I don’t get it out onto the screen.
But no words come. I sit and I think and I try to sort through the racing carousel of fleeting thoughts, hoping to grasp onto one long enough to eke out a satisfying thought, but it slips through my fingers like sand.
Pressure builds and I know I must write or spend the night distracted and unable to sleep. It’s been so long. I’ve been scared to open up.
You see, writing is how I process the shit. It’s how I take a step back and think about what is causing me to cry at the most random of times. The thoughts that propel the carousel to spin faster and faster so that I am no longer able to properly function. Writing slows it down, if just for a moment.
So why have I been so hesitant to write?
I think I’m afraid of what I will find when the carousel slows. So I just keep going. Faster and faster. Adding more and more insecurities and fears and “wow I should talk to a therapist about that someday.”
So instead of writing something substantial, I choose to write about writing. It’s been so long that I guess I need a crash course. An ice breaker. Maybe if I write about writing this time, I’ll be able to write about healing the next time.
Until then, I’ll be riding this carousel.

3 thoughts on “The Carousel

  1. Just write. It helps. I promise. Even if it’s no good. Even if no one else reads it. Even if you cry through it or get angry or feel empty or feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted from your suffocating chest….anything is better than how you felt before.

    1. Thank you ❤️
      I feel like most of the time, I just struggle to find inspiration or worry that it’s not going to be good or nobody will like it. I struggle to focus on something long enough to write it, I often find myself defaulting to something that allows for numbing (Netflix, sleep, etc)

  2. It doesn’t matter if no one likes it. You’re writing for yourself. It’s your escape. It’s your journey. Your path to walk. It’s your release. Your escape. Don’t overthink it. Out your fingers 9n that keyb7and type. Whatever you get, is what you subconsciously need to share/offload/ release. You can do it. Have faith in yourself! Let the keys lead you.

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